One of my earliest memories was when my grandmother had come to stay with my brothers and I for a few days. She was trying to help me get dressed and I told her “I can do it my own self!!” Self-sufficiency pretty much characterized my life.  Although I was taken to church, attended Sunday School, participated in youth group and sang in the choir until I went off to college, I never made the connection that God was actually the one in charge.  

In the early 1980’s, my husband and I were both unemployed with two small children. We were blessed to have parents to stay with, but I was angry and afraid, and honestly dumfounded that two adults with all the education we had, were not able to keep jobs and feed our family.  In desparation, started attending the little church down the road. The new preacher was a woman in her fifties and we were her first church. Her humble homilies were mostly testimonies of her life experiences in light of her new found faith.  One day, filing out after the service, she greeted me and I asked her “Do you preach for anyone else, or are these messages all directed at me?” I was probably rude, but I think she took it as a compliment that she was really reaching someone in the tiny congregation. After that week, she started visiting me weekly to listen to my endless complaints about my terrible life and to pray with me. 

One day, in utter despair, I went down to the empty church and knelt on the altar and cried out to God. Well, it might be more accurate to say that I cried and begged a God who I had my doubts about, to fix my problems. After a pretty long time I heard a loud voice saying to stop crying and go home. I was so shocked and embarrassed, I stood up to see who was there. No one, at least no person was there! John 9:31 says “We know that God does not listen to sinners…” Well, He certainly listened to me and answered me, but not the way I wanted in the moment. He was not about to give my husband a job and move us back into our own home so that I could go back to managing my own life without Him.  In retrospect, it is surprising that I wasn’t angry.  I was oddly comforted.  He saw me and I finally knew He is real. I hadn’t given Him my life, but I had given Him permission to help me with a problem I could not solve.

What He knew, and I didn’t, was that I was focused on the wrong problem.  I had no concept of the depth of my sin and my need for a savior, not just a fixer for my current circumstances, but a life changer. That was the beginning of a painful, but beautiful journey, one I would not trade for anything. The song “Waymaker” captures it perfectly. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29IxnsqOkmQ&list=RD29IxnsqOkmQ&start_radio=1